|What I Want
||[Nov. 4th, 2012|04:57 pm]
Why do I hold unreasonable expectations on the one I love, when I don't even want the implications of those expectations in the first place?
Last night I got very upset that I hadn't heard from my boyfriend all day. It had sort of built up all week, a feeling of being neglected and unwanted, repeated days of turning down hanging out or just not hearing from him at all. On Friday he suggested we hang out Saturday, and then I never heard from him. In the evening I tried to get a hold of him, and he was at a fundraiser event for friends.
That's fine, I want him to live his own life. I want to live mine too. But I was beginning to feel forgotten, which particularly hurt me because I think about him all day; every day, every night. I have to admit it, I am so helplessly in love with him, but being in love makes me so vulnerable and nearly obsessive, two qualities I really hate, and want to work on avoiding. But that aside, when someone tells me we'll hang out on a particular day, I make sure not to plan anything else on that day to respect that commitment.
But to find out he went to some other event and left me in the dark all day - and for the entire week prior - really made me sad. Really sad. Run home, send-angry-texts, cry-myself-to-sleep sad. Yes, as I said, I want him to live his life, and I want to live mine. But when he says one thing and neglects to call, that inhibits me from living my life because I put everything on hold thinking I'll hear from him and then I never do. I sit idly, restless, waiting by the phone, checking it over and over even if it didn't ring.
I think I get so sad because I compare his decision-making process to mine. I constantly think "I would never do that to you!" "I always invite you to stuff I go to!" "I do so much for you!" "I think about you all the time!" "I would never tell you we should hang out if I knew I couldn't commit to it!" .... But that's ME. That's my own set of expectations I hold to myself. Is it fair to hold those to him?
I need to recognize that if he's flaky I need to accept it and not try to change him. I can't MAKE him want to hang out with me. I can't MAKE him care to check up on me. I can't MAKE him commit to doing things he says he'll do. Mama always said: you can never change a man. And it's true, for anyone really. He will do what he feels compelled to do, that's who he is, just as anyone does what their inner being compels them to do.
So let's say I accept this quality of his: this flakiness and seemingly apathetic aloofness. Or he would probably call it a, laid-back, go-with-the-flow mentality; his "spontaneity"; his lack of planning despite the fact he's a "planner" by trade. Whatever you call it, let's say I accept that it's just his nature: how he is. Just because I recognize how he is, does not make it OK, in my opinion, that it has a negative emotional effect on me. I think there is a certain amount of respect that should be held for my feelings - if at all minimal or whatever - because one's human nature should not validate the hurting of my feelings. If we wholeheartedly accept who we are in respects to each other without trying to change one another, and then my feelings just get hurt because our inherent natures clash, then we should not be together. This is heartbreaking but it's reality.
This is a pretty dramatic consideration, and I don't want to leap out of my seat to break up with him, but some kind of conversation needs to happen.
The problem is, I don't know how to communicate this to him. I want to have a discussion about it. I want to talk about my feelings freely, but I feel like such a burden if I do. I feel like my mind churns twice as fast as his and I just diarrhea out the mouth whenever my emotions bubble to the surface of conversation. Or whenever conversation happens at all, really. But then I fear no conclusion will even be reached.
Am I all blabber? Am I one of those neurotic over-talkers on hyper-drive? Or is he empty and unable to contribute to conversation when it's not at his pace? Is it neither? Is it both?
Regardless, I need to be real and step back and admit one thing with myself: I need to identify exactly what it is I want in MY life. For ME. Not for him, not for "us". But for ME.
Do I want a boyfriend? Do I want to be in love? What does being in love mean? What does love or a boyfriend mean in regards to my lifestyle?
What makes me happy? Really, truly, happy in life?
I'll answer some of these in the order of easiness to answer, at whatever capacity I can answer them.
What makes me happy?
I like being productive. I like doing my best and feeling reward for it. I like feeling mentally and physically healthy and emotionally enlightened. I like playing music and sharing my talents and learning from others. I like being social. I like going out and dancing, bumping into friends, hanging out from time to time, sometimes even partying.
I also like to be alone. I like waking up and starting my daily routine - for me. I like exercising, yoga, cooking, playing piano, cleaning, spending time with my dog, watching funny episodes of the Colbert Report or South Park, sewing, gardening, finding new and interesting music and playing it really loud.
I like the feeling of saving money at the grocery store, feeling soreness from a work out, the blend of complementary flavors and textures in my mouth from a meal I made, moments where I gaze into my dogs eyes as she snuggles me as hard as she can, the sound of my piano after I've finally mastered a piece I worked tirelessly on, the happiness from randomly hearing my favorite songs, the calm state of mind I feel after a yoga routine, the excitement of unexpectedly seeing a friend at a coffee shop, the way a garment fits after I've perfectly altered it. I love these feelings. They are feelings from within myself that truly ease my soul.
I also like seeing him walk down the street towards me. I like the way he feels when he holds me close. I like the way he grips me and buries his nose in me and inhales me like I'm a freshly baked loaf of banana bread. I like the way he gives me little kisses over and over, or the way he gives me long slow kisses. I like feeling the glow of his aura next to me when we're just sitting there or walking aimlessly. I like the hiccups my heart does when I feel a physical pull of attraction toward him. I like his sense of humor, style, and positive energy.
I particularly like when he makes me feel appreciated. I like feeling rewarded for making an effort to make him feel good.
I almost find validation in making him feel good, and I look for appreciation from him to curb my own insecurities. I think I work myself up and tear myself down and expect him to be there to save me from myself.
Do I want a boyfriend?
Yes, I want a boyfriend. I want to be the apple of his eye. I want him to be my boo. But I don't want to surrender my dignity for it. I don't want to lose the ability to be my own woman. Yes, WOMAN. I don't want to lose my independence, my sociability, my charm, or my commitment to my physical health. And I don't want to be susceptible to his mistakes and irresponsibilities to the point where I am emotionally debilitated.
What about love?
Is it possible to be in love and to be in control of oneself? Can I maintain this emotional bond with someone without surrendering my own self completely?
I know what I want. I want him in my life. But I don't want him to be my life.
I make my own decisions, I find and fuel my own happiness, and I live my life. But when the time is right, I can share my happiness with him. But I can't become dependent. I also can't be controlling. Love is crazy. It's a delusional DRUG that steals your ability to gauge reality. It's so scary sometimes.
But you know what? I am a strong woman, I can overcome anything I put my mind to, and I achieve any challenge I hold myself to.
I can't master love, but I can handle it. And, as crazy as I am, I can handle myself.