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Hey, world: [Nov. 9th, 2012|01:12 pm]
[Current Mood |stronger]

If there's one thing I've learned in life, it's that the only person you can trust to be there for you, guaranteed, is yourself.

So you might as well treat yourself as best as you possibly can.

Because there's only one you. And you've only got one life. (!)

And you're beautiful, no matter how anyone else treats you.
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Treating Myself [Nov. 5th, 2012|04:45 pm]
[Current Mood |determined]

My current forms of treating myself are in the forms of shitfood or basking in the presence of my boyfriend.

I need to treat myself, by myself, and for me. I need to learn to love and respect myself, and find happiness from within again, not from an external source or person.

Yoga is good for this. Last night I did some poses and it felt good. Exercise is sort of a disciplined treat too... at least I know it's for me because being active and fit truly improves my mood and how I physically feel.

I used to take myself out on dates all the time: museums, shows, lectures, galleries, cafes. But then I put my me-and-me time away to turn it into me-and-him time. Or me-and-this-bag-of-junk-food time.

That's it. I'm taking me out on a date.
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I miss him terribly, but... [Nov. 5th, 2012|04:25 pm]
[Current Mood |insightful]

I caved and called him last night. He ignored my call but sent me a curt text to leave him alone for a few days, and no explanation. All my fears, confirmed. My stomach turned in knots and my eyes welled with tears and my throat felt like there was an avocado pit lodged in it. I was not imagining things; he had been avoiding me all week, even though he said things like he wanted to see me, he missed me, he wanted to hang out.

He didn't actually want to, he was just lying to me. But why? Because it was what he thought I'd want to hear?

I know he wanted me to leave him alone, but I needed something, for my own sanity. Not even an explanation, or a definite reason, but to know at least a glimmer of an honest thought would have helped to ease my bleeding heart. 

The only things I got out of him, is that he felt a funk, for whatever that's worth. He felt obligated to hang out with me even if he didn't want to. (Or that he wanted to? And yet didn't want to? Something like that.) He told me he's never been able to tell me "no".  I wanted to beg and plead for forgiveness, I wanted to tell him I'd work on being less demanding or not as needy, that I could back off on texting him everyday and inviting him to everything I do... but before I could even begin, he would say things like, this was an issue he wanted to sort out on his end and it had nothing to do with anything I did.

But I think it does. I know I'm intense. I know I dominate the relationship with my overwhelming passion. I know it gets old, having this insane ball of energy following him around and stroking his hair and asking incessant questions and giggling and skipping around like a crazy woman. I can't help it though. I'm in love, and love makes me so giddy. But I looked back on my last post. I need to control myself. I need to calm down and handle my energy level. I need to keep my head in the game, and not just steer with my heart all the time.

But I can't communicate this to him. His strategy is to cut me off completely while he sorts out whatever and to leave me on the curb to dry. I don't know why, but not having an outlet to express myself sends me into these scary moments - long, agonizing moments - where I sit and stare off into space. I hear my tears pitter patter on shirt and desk and I don't even feel compelled to wipe them away, or to make them stop. I go through some kind of shut-down, by body goes catatonic and I'll sit there and not say anything or even move. I feel like I'm not even breathing in those moments. An episode like this will last from anywhere between 10 minutes and an hour, or sometimes even longer. I long for someone just to talk to... but his wish is to be alone. I have to respect that. But I don't think he considers that this leaves me clueless, in the dark, and undeserving to know about anything he's feeling. 

I want to talk. I want to tell him I can be tame, manageable and still fun. I want to tell him I'll let him live his life and I will live mine too, and we can share special moments in between, when they are special - and to keep them special. That I also don't want the feeling of obligations to kill the magic between us. That I don't want things to become routine or mundane. I want to tell him how much I love him, and that I'm still learning, but I need forgiveness every once in a while. But I feel like I'm being punished with silence. 

He's hiding from me, and this hurts me to no end.

This morning I heard a song on the radio, some angry raging female belting a ballad against her hubby, complaining "I need a man by side, not a boy who hides." And at first I thought, "You tell him sister!" But you know what? I can't get behind that. Yes, he's hiding from me. But maybe he doesn't know what else to do.

I think he's a boy who doesn't communicate what he feels, and doesn't know how to stand up for himself. He told me he didn't want to talk about his feelings because he was embarrassed about them and that it's "just a funk". I wonder is the embarrassment is because he feels like he can't stand up for himself against me, because he thinks my feelings are at stake. But by him not communicating, or just flat out LYING about wanting to be with me, these are far more hurtful than just facetiously telling me what I want to hear.

I've been down this road before. Deceit. I will have none of it. I don't date liars. I'm through with spineless men. I am too young to spend my nights on my bedroom floor crying myself to sleep because a man can't comfortably express himself to me.

Logic would suggest I should just drop him then. If I'm too much to handle for him, then it's his loss, right? (... right?) But then there's love. Love tells me to give him a chance, to be patient, forgiving, and humble.

But alas, I am Cassie, and I have committed myself to being both logical and in love. If I consider BOTH my head and my heart, I think my best bet is to use this opportunity to better myself as a woman, and as a girlfriend. To take this as a test of my own patience, and adaptability, and turn this into an exercise of self-improvement. Whether I end up with him or anyone else - no one wants to deal with the insane fury that is my unrestrained love. No one wants someone clinging to their arm asking "what are you thinking now? How about now? And now? What are you thinking about ...... NOW". I get that. This is something I need to work on too. Not just for him, for "us".... but for me.

I'll give him time. I'll give him his space. I told him to take as much time as he needs. 

But I did not tell him I won't wait forever.

If he decides to end this, I asked him to be honest because the worst truth is far better than living a lie. Because I'd rather be alone than a fool.

Ugh, lord. Thank GOD for this journal right now. If he's not going to be there for me, at least I am here for me. But it's not so easy listening to myself when it's all up in my head. This is helpful. Seeing what I've written. This is me. Let's go somewhere.
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What I Want [Nov. 4th, 2012|04:57 pm]
[Current Mood |relievedrelieved]

Why do I hold unreasonable expectations on the one I love, when I don't even want the implications of those expectations in the first place?

Last night I got very upset that I hadn't heard from my boyfriend all day. It had sort of built up all week, a feeling of being neglected and unwanted, repeated days of turning down hanging out or just not hearing from him at all. On Friday he suggested we hang out Saturday, and then I never heard from him. In the evening I tried to get a hold of him, and he was at a fundraiser event for friends.

That's fine, I want him to live his own life. I want to live mine too. But I was beginning to feel forgotten, which particularly hurt me because I think about him all day; every day, every night. I have to admit it, I am so helplessly in love with him, but being in love makes me so vulnerable and nearly obsessive, two qualities I really hate, and want to work on avoiding. But that aside, when someone tells me we'll hang out on a particular day, I make sure not to plan anything else on that day to respect that commitment.

But to find out he went to some other event and left me in the dark all day - and for the entire week prior - really made me sad. Really sad. Run home, send-angry-texts, cry-myself-to-sleep sad. Yes, as I said, I want him to live his life, and I want to live mine. But when he says one thing and neglects to call, that inhibits me from living my life because I put everything on hold thinking I'll hear from him and then I never do. I sit idly, restless, waiting by the phone, checking it over and over even if it didn't ring. 

I think I get so sad because I compare his decision-making process to mine. I constantly think "I would never do that to you!" "I always invite you to stuff I go to!" "I do so much for you!" "I think about you all the time!" "I would never tell you we should hang out if I knew I couldn't commit to it!" .... But that's ME. That's my own set of expectations I hold to myself. Is it fair to hold those to him?

I need to recognize that if he's flaky I need to accept it and not try to change him. I can't MAKE him want to hang out with me. I can't MAKE him care to check up on me. I can't MAKE him commit to doing things he says he'll do. Mama always said: you can never change a man. And it's true, for anyone really. He will do what he feels compelled to do, that's who he is, just as anyone does what their inner being compels them to do.

So let's say I accept this quality of his: this flakiness and seemingly apathetic aloofness. Or he would probably call it a, laid-back, go-with-the-flow mentality; his "spontaneity"; his lack of planning despite the fact he's a "planner" by trade. Whatever you call it, let's say I accept that it's just his nature: how he is. Just because I recognize how he is, does not make it OK, in my opinion, that it has a negative emotional effect on me. I think there is a certain amount of respect that should be held for my feelings - if at all minimal or whatever - because one's human nature should not validate the hurting of my feelings. If we wholeheartedly accept who we are in respects to each other without trying to change one another, and then my feelings just get hurt because our inherent natures clash, then we should not be together. This is heartbreaking but it's reality. 

This is a pretty dramatic consideration, and I don't want to leap out of my seat to break up with him, but some kind of conversation needs to happen.

The problem is, I don't know how to communicate this to him. I want to have a discussion about it. I want to talk about my feelings freely, but I feel like such a burden if I do. I feel like my mind churns twice as fast as his and I just diarrhea out the mouth whenever my emotions bubble to the surface of conversation. Or whenever conversation happens at all, really. But then I fear no conclusion will even be reached.

Am I all blabber? Am I one of those neurotic over-talkers on hyper-drive?  Or is he empty and unable to contribute to conversation when it's not at his pace? Is it neither? Is it both?

Regardless, I need to be real and step back and admit one thing with myself: I need to identify exactly what it is I want in MY life. For ME. Not for him, not for "us". But for ME.

Do I want a boyfriend? Do I want to be in love? What does being in love mean? What does love or a boyfriend mean in regards to my lifestyle?

What makes me happy? Really, truly, happy in life?

I'll answer some of these in the order of easiness to answer, at whatever capacity I can answer them.

What makes me happy?

I like being productive. I like doing my best and feeling reward for it. I like feeling mentally and physically healthy and emotionally enlightened. I like playing music and sharing my talents and learning from others. I like being social. I like going out and dancing, bumping into friends, hanging out from time to time, sometimes even partying.

I also like to be alone. I like waking up and starting my daily routine - for me. I like exercising, yoga, cooking, playing piano, cleaning, spending time with my dog, watching funny episodes of the Colbert Report or South Park, sewing, gardening, finding new and interesting music and playing it really loud.

I like the feeling of saving money at the grocery store, feeling soreness from a work out, the blend of complementary flavors and textures in my mouth from a meal I made, moments where I gaze into my dogs eyes as she snuggles me as hard as she can, the sound of my piano after I've finally mastered a piece I worked tirelessly on, the happiness from randomly hearing my favorite songs, the calm state of mind I feel after a yoga routine, the excitement of unexpectedly seeing a friend at a coffee shop, the way a garment fits after I've perfectly altered it. I love these feelings. They are feelings from within myself that truly ease my soul.

I also like seeing him walk down the street towards me. I like the way he feels when he holds me close. I like the way he grips me and buries his nose in me and inhales me like I'm a freshly baked loaf of banana bread. I like the way he gives me little kisses over and over, or the way he gives me long slow kisses. I like feeling the glow of his aura next to me when we're just sitting there or walking aimlessly. I like the hiccups my heart does when I feel a physical pull of attraction toward him. I like his sense of humor, style, and positive energy.

I particularly like when he makes me feel appreciated. I like feeling rewarded for making an effort to make him feel good.

I almost find validation in making him feel good, and I look for appreciation from him to curb my own insecurities. I think I work myself up and tear myself down and expect him to be there to save me from myself.

Do I want a boyfriend?

Yes, I want a boyfriend. I want to be the apple of his eye. I want him to be my boo. But I don't want to surrender my dignity for it. I don't want to lose the ability to be my own woman. Yes, WOMAN. I don't want to lose my independence, my sociability, my charm, or my commitment to my physical health. And I don't want to be susceptible to his mistakes and irresponsibilities to the point where I am emotionally debilitated. 

What about love?

Is it possible to be in love and to be in control of oneself? Can I maintain this emotional bond with someone without surrendering my own self completely?

I know what I want. I want him in my life. But I don't want him to be my life. 

I make my own decisions, I find and fuel my own happiness, and I live my life. But when the time is right, I can share my happiness with him. But I can't become dependent. I also can't be controlling. Love is crazy. It's a delusional DRUG that steals your ability to gauge reality. It's so scary sometimes.

But you know what? I am a strong woman, I can overcome anything I put my mind to, and I achieve any challenge I hold myself to. 

I can't master love, but I can handle it. And, as crazy as I am, I can handle myself.
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Sarah Vaughn [Nov. 4th, 2012|03:00 pm]
[Current Mood |mellowmellow]

Her technique is so amazing. Her range swoops from deep husky chesty singing to glide swiftly into perfect pitch 2 octaves higher than where she started. Her vibrato is so amazingly consistent and controlled.... she only chooses to ring it out it at the end of phrases or on plateaus in the middle of lines to keep carrying the melody. She also has an amazing trill technique... sometimes a trill mid-note, and then sometimes a trill at the beginning of a word... in "Body and Soul" she sings one line in equidistant notes stepping elegantly down a half-pitch ladder, with a trill at the beginning split second of each word until she gracefully resolves the melody at the end of the phrase. She fits SO MUCH into such little time. And she makes it sound effortless. 

The quality of her voice is so warm and velvety. Following her voice through a song is like an adventure or a trip, with different tricks up her sleeve at every part of the song. "Lullaby in Birdland" is like an intricate dance where everyting sounds like it was planned out, but it was in fact improved in the style of jazz.

So wonderful and comforting...

I don't know why I put off listening to her for so long... She is such a wonderful singer. I think I gave her half-assed tries on my stereo and immediately thought she sounded too "generically jazzy". She is, in all her wondrous entirety, a JAZZ SINGER. 100%. Not blues, R&B, Soul.... just JAZZ. And then once I admitted this with myself I let down my expectations and absorbed the sound of her voice for what it is: a jazz voice.
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Nine Steps to Fearlessly Eating Treats [Nov. 4th, 2012|02:48 pm]
[Current Mood |calmcalm]

Nine Steps to Fearlessly Eating Treats

Fearless eating means that you can have any type of food you want without being afraid you’ll lose control. The following steps will guide you to add one food at a time and eat it regularly until it loses its power over you. Move through the steps at a pace that’s comfortable for you and get support from someone trained in this process if needed.

  1. Make a list of your “scary foods,” foods you enjoy but generally restrict yourself from eating.
  2. Choose one of the foods from your list and give yourself full permission to eat it when you’re hungry.
  3. Don’t be surprised if you want that food frequently at first; that’s normal when you’ve been restricting yourself. Relax; the cravings will decrease when you truly believe you can have that food whenever you want—remember the candy in my daughter’s closet.
  4. Buy, prepare, or order one serving of that food when you really, really, really, really want it. This is the “four really” test.
  5. Eat your chosen food mindfully, without distractions, and focus on aroma, appearance, flavor, and texture as you eat.  Stay connected to how your body feels. See if you can tell when the food doesn’t taste quite as good as it did at the beginning.
  6. Does it taste as good as you imagined it would? You may discover that it isn’t as good as you thought it would be; you may even decide not to finish it or that you won’t bother with it in the future. 
  7. If you decide you really love that food, continue to give yourself permission to buy or order it whenever you want. You may even decide to keep enough of that food in your house so you know it’ll be there if you want it. However, if keeping certain foods in the house feels too scary, promise yourself you’ll buy enough for one sitting or you’ll go to a restaurant and order it when you want it.
  8. When you’re ready, choose another food from your list and practice the process again.
  9. If you find yourself overeating certain foods, ask yourself, “What was I thinking when I was eating it?” Thoughts like, “I shouldn’t eat this,” or “I’m going to eat it all in case I don’t get another chance,” will continue to drive overeating. Remember, you have given yourself full permission to have that food whenever you want it. 
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(no subject) [Nov. 3rd, 2012|08:19 pm]
[Current Mood |listlesslistless]

i don't want to be in love.

but i want to be loved.

and I want to love.

But this emotional pull, this irrational scattering of unexplained feelings and poor decisions - yeah. I could do without it.
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Triggers [Nov. 3rd, 2012|07:58 pm]
Every time I over eat on a trigger food I go overload. I keep going and I can't stop eating, even as I acknowledge in the act that what I'm doing is unhealthy and guilt-inducing.

So, I need to identify what makes me reach for those trigger foods. I more or less know, that when I feel restless, stressed - I reach for the food. When I'm putting something off, my particular artform of procrastination generally involves me stuffing my face and feeling awful, and then going to the CVS to get more junk food and comfort myself. I put off the work, I don't address what's stressing me out, and on top of all that I then feel guilt for giving in to my appetite and physically sick from over-consumption. 

The urge to snack on particular foods I think can be inherently physiological, but at this point I think my addiction to sugar (baked goods, candy, or sometimes even just brown sugar by the spoonful), salty foods (chips, popcorn, crackers, other crispety junk), and nuts (peanut butter, roasted nuts, trail mix) is actually psychological. I am at the point where, depending on my state of mind, I am unable to moderate my intake. Meaning its all or nothing.

For the sugars, this is fine. I think cutting sugar out of my diet completely would be for the better. Same for the salty stuff, all that is just processed crap that I shouldn't be stocking in my pantry. (Let's not start on how my housemates buy and share this stuff all the time. Fortunately I do have some minimal power in abstaining from the communal food shelf.) The real issue is the nutty stuff. I eat a predominantly vegetarian or vegan diet, with the exception of eggs, and also with the occasional serving of fish or chicken once a month or so. I don't do dairy. I rely on healthy protein sources like tofu, beans, and.... in an ideal world.. nuts, in moderation!

Nutty stuff is a trigger food I need to learn to CHOOSE to eat in moderation, meaning I have to trust myself to not go overboard on gorging on it. The problem is that I think I'm weak. When I see peanut butter, for example, I can hear a voice within me taunting myself for being a weakling. I label myself foolish, feeble-minded, and helpless against my own self-destructive tendencies. Once I agree with the voice in my head, it's like my hands go into autopilot and I start shoveling food down my throat. Sick, right?

I need to trust myself to be in control. I need to give myself the power, not surrender that power to the taunting voice at the bottom of the peanut butter jar. I am strong, and I totally know it. I have the strength to loose weight healthily, because I've done it before. I also have the strength to self-motivate myself to address big tasks and hard work that I mask in procrastinating and face-stuffing. 

I have the strength to break habits and disassociate trigger foods from bingeing.

I think one strategy would be to allot and measure an appropriate portion and then sit back before I start eating and ask myself: "Is eating this amount of peanut butter/trail mix/nuts/seeds going to make me feel better (as in, less hungry, satisfied, fueled, and energized) or worse (guilty, depressed, physically ill, and self-loathing) after I consume it?" To really sit there and ponder the question. And then thoroughly stow and put away the source of the portion and sit down and eat.

Random side note, this morning I was eating my breakfast while reading a magazine, and noticed that I was mindlessly eating too fast because I was distracted by the article.

I need to make a note of not watching TV, reading, or multitasking while I eat my meal. I need to PACE myself. SAVOR. ENJOY what I'm eating. Really take it in, physically, and more importantly, mentally. And not just with meals, just any snack. Associating snacking with movies is very dangerous. And most diet blogs and health publications online will boast that popcorn is a guilt-free snack because of its low calorie content, but it totally endorses the bad behavior of mindlessly over-indulging beyond the point of satisfaction. I don't care that there's fiber in it. I have not found one instance of popcorn being eaten at a moderate level.

I think the key is to hold onto my strength and positive outlook mentally and the physical will catch up. I just need to grip my willpower. The physical body is an amazing and adaptable thing. I also know my body takes after my mom's, in that it is incredibly resilient and I get get into shape relatively faster than most people if I just put my mind to it. This is reassuring. But the mental component MUST be consistent.

That's why I want to take to journaling my feelings, to hold onto this mental fortitude and remind myself that I can't think myself out of a good mindset this time (that little devilish inner voice of mine... always trying to tear me down). I started this process in a physical notebook but my brain tends to run faster than a pen and paper, and my keyboard is almost the only thing that can keep up to speed. This livejournal was originally a weight loss journal but I was in the wrong state of mind. I'm healthier, I'm stronger, and I'm happier with my physical self than I ever was in the past. So here's to a healthy and positive me. 
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long time. [Aug. 16th, 2011|07:46 pm]
This is a reply to a comment left on my last post. I hope it provides some sort of closure to the fact i have not written in years. literally, years.


this post was years ago. i would now consider myself recovered from a sickness which i sympathize with other people who obsess over caloric intake.

i am glad you reminded me this exists. it gives me an opportunity to tell you how i have recovered.

i finished both undergrad and grad schools since writing this entry, and in between i ballooned between 120 and 140. Last summer I found myself in Montenegro with a distrust to eat any food from a restaurant, and instead survived on the daily farmers market and no working kitchen for a month.

within that month, i ate mostly raw produce, on the spot salads, fruit, nuts, and canned fish at whatever inclination i wanted. i had no access to a scale and lacked the access to my regular wardrobe i used to obsess over at home.

i surrounded myself with a distraction of a new foreign country and actually enjoyed myself, and as i was never seeing anyone again, probably, i didnt care about how they saw me. i walked a lot and hiked a lot. i meditated a lot.

i came home to discover myself 10 lbs effortlessly lighter, and decided to try raw veganism for the remainder of the summer. pounds continued to fall off.

i forbade myself from recording food i ate and i forbade myself from pressing guilt upon myself. i forbade myself from creating goals or timelines which put pressure on my physical self. i eventually learned to actually listen to my body and not punish it, and discovered that portion size and control came much more naturally when i ate slower and mindfully. when i savored bites and appreciated food as a privilege, and not a punishment that would make me fat.

i am no longer on any diet, i essentially eat whatever i want whenever i want it, but the ways in which i want food are naturally moderated. i am a small person, and so i eat small things. i do not have the appetite for unreasonable amounts of food or unhealthy food anymore. i crave fresh fruits and veggies, and i honestly don't care for unhealthy food as much. i found fun ways to exercise - biking, hiking, swimming, dancing with friends... things i all like to do and don't have to drag my feet to the gym for.

i am happy to say i am 5'1" and 105, completely healthy, satisfied with my body, and loving life. i cannot believe it took me 7 years of struggling with an eating disorder that being healthy with myself is rewarding and satisfying, and by far the most sustainable way i have ever kept weight off.

i hope someone, anyone, reads this response and feels some sort of hope if they know at all what agony an eating disorder imposes. and if anyone ever wants to each the other side of looking and feeling and eating beautifully, that i am willing to lend an open ear or advice.
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It's snowing. Whoopee. [Dec. 7th, 2007|12:36 pm]
I think I'm getting sick.

Yesterday I wanted to go all day with no food, but I ate a pear and half a pint of blueberries around lunch. I've been feeling so queasy and bloated lately. My period keeps pseudo-starting and stopping and starting. Meanwhile, I bloat like a balloon and catch a cold. Super.

Saw Jacob at the coffee shop, he was working. I convinved him to go out drinking with me last night. We would both get some work done and meet up late, since neither of us has exams tomorrow (now today).

I got home, and felt progressively worse, and ended up curling under a blanket around 9:30 trying to make the chills and acheyness(?) go away. (I'm not even gonna try to find out how to spell that word.) So much for keeping up with plans. I did manage to wake up early. Only to accomplish, hmm, nothing. I don't want to study. I don't want to work. This sickness is making me so unlike myself. I hate this.

I had an egg white with a slice of red onion and ketchup this morning.

I hate this body. And I hate how it's controlling everything I do. I'm still at 120. I am a stagnant, infected, miserable creature.
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